As Black children, many of us grew up under the rule that we were to be seen and not heard. We were taught to respect our elders without question, often at the cost of our own voices, boundaries and sometimes even our self-worth. Defending ourselves, no matter how respectful, was often labeled as “talking back” and quickly disciplined. Some of us were even taught to “love” and accept people who treated us, or our parents, with clear disrespect. The command to “forgive” and “keep the family together” often meant prioritizing the comfort of elders over our own feelings and healing. But as adults, we’re learning that setting boundaries is essential, even if it means facing pushback from family members.
With the holidays fast approaching, many of us will be journeying home, ready to connect with loved ones—but not ready to accept the usual family dynamics without question. This year, Thanksgiving and Christmas aren’t a free pass for certain family members to test our patience. We’re losing the recipe for “respecting” elders at the cost of our own peace. The same relatives who ignored our voices as kids may still try to impose their authority, expecting us to quietly accept any behavior. But today, we’re empowered to speak up, say no, and set boundaries to protect our mental and emotional well-being.
For many of us, this moment is about accountability. We’re no longer willing to entertain hurtful comments, homophobic remarks or unsolicited opinions about our life choices. The aunt who has something to say about your job, your partner or your decision to have kids out of wedlock: it’s time for her to hear your perspective, too. The relative who spreads negativity: she’ll have to leave it at the door. The absent parent who wants a fresh start without taking responsibility for the past: it’s up to you to decide how that relationship moves forward. It’s not about creating conflict, but about respecting yourself enough to demand the same in return.
This isn’t an invitation to walk into every family gathering ready for confrontation. Setting boundaries is more about being prepared to speak up when necessary and less about attacking anyone. Boundaries are about respect going both ways. As adults, we’re redefining what it means to be part of a family. We’re choosing to honor the rich cultural heritage, values and traditions that uplift us while letting go of patterns that harm us. This process is tough, and not all family members will understand, but by embracing this shift, we’re creating a healthier legacy of self-respect.
Black millennials are claiming their voices and choosing a path of emotional health that will help future generations feel valued and accepted, free to speak up and fully be themselves. Setting boundaries isn’t about creating distance; it’s about fostering a family dynamic where everyone feels respected, seen and empowered.
