I remember this girl in college who always tried to be different. She’d dress in the latest clothes, drive a nice car (clearly, her parents could afford it), and always had this know-it-all demeanor. It was like she was constantly trying to prove something.
At first, I would roll my eyes. Over time, I realized how exhausting it must be to try so hard. Her energy was insecure, and she always looked for validation.
And it wasn’t just her. I’ve seen so many women do the same thing. They’ll downplay their shared experiences, criticize other women’s choices, or even go out of their way to distance themselves from their peers.
It’s like they’re afraid of being seen on the same level.
Pick-me syndrome, a term coined to describe individuals who strive to distance themselves from their perceived group to be seen as “better” or “different,” has become increasingly prevalent in women’s circles. While it might seem harmless, the “pick me” mentality is detrimental to all women, perpetuating harmful stereotypes and hindering progress.
According to Marvy Beckman LICSW, Co-Chief Executive Officer of Sunstar Virtual Behavioral Solutions, a “pick-me girl” will look for ways to improve her speech, looks, and/or personality that favor the people she wants to connect with. To satisfy this urge, she attempts to improve uncomfortable aspects of her life or spends her time with particular groups of people.
At its core, pick-me syndrome is rooted in a desire to avoid being labeled as “typical” or “stereotypical.”
Women who subscribe to this mindset often feel the need to prove their worth by distancing themselves from other women, particularly those who conform to traditional gender roles or stereotypes. This can manifest in various ways, from downplaying shared experiences to criticizing other women’s choices.
One of the most harmful consequences of pick-me syndrome is its reinforcement of harmful stereotypes about women. By constantly trying to prove their individuality, women who engage in this behavior perpetuate the idea that women are inherently competitive or divisive. This not only undermines the concept of female solidarity but also reinforces harmful stereotypes that can limit women’s opportunities and perpetuate gender inequality.
When women feel the need to constantly one-up each other or distance themselves from other women, it can create a toxic environment that fosters competition and resentment. This harms individual relationships and hinders collective progress, as women are less likely to support and uplift each other when they are constantly vying for attention or approval.
Society has a big influence on this issue. Take relationships, for example. Some women see dating as a chance to be chosen—which is, for many, perpetuated as the ultimate achievement in society, right up there with marriage and children. Some women give up control and base their worth on a man’s approval.
And don’t get me started with the men who actually enjoy this behavior. I remember talking to a guy who didn’t mind it and told me that anyone who doesn’t like it is “a bunch of hating a** feminists.” He blamed feminists for their “hatred” toward men and said that “men need love and validation, too.” Very shady and pathetic excuse if you ask me. I didn’t waste my time entertaining his comment because I knew he was about to send me into the rabbit hole.
Pick-me syndrome can also hinder women’s personal growth and development. By constantly striving to be different or better than others, women may miss out on opportunities to learn, grow, and connect with like-minded individuals.
As women, we need to do better to create a sense of belonging and encourage women to embrace their individuality without feeling the need to distance themselves from others.
